Perspectives on Forgiveness

Allow this to serve as a starting point if exploring forgiveness.

Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t.

This week, I held multiple groups discussing forgiveness and offered different lenses to look through when considering whether to extend or accept forgiveness. Forgiveness is multilayered, nuanced, and complex. There are thousands of situations that can call for an apology and welcome forgiveness, some easier than others.

Firstly, I invite you to sit with this word and notice what comes up for you. Do you experience feelings that encourage forgiveness toward others? Feelings that root down into remembering the hurt and refusing to forgive?

Whatever you feel, it’s valid. Whatever you have experienced, it’s valid.

Here’s the thing about forgiveness:

It does not condone the actions or absolve the person(s) that caused harm. It does not erase what happened. It doesn’t promise that things will return to normal. And to be fair, we will all end up on both sides of this equation; sometimes we will be in the position to apologize or make amends, sometimes we will be in the position to accept and forgive. It is important to remain open to reflection when we find ourselves on either side.

How did we learn about forgiveness?

When I was growing up, I played a little too rough with one of my sisters. I recall my mother bringing me, the offender , and my sister, the offended, together and instructed us: “You say sorry (and I did)” then to my sister “What do you say? (It’s ok)” Now hug and make up then go play. That worked when we were small because the prospect of returning to playing outweighed the event of me bumping into her a little too hard, some tears, and remorse.

In reality, that is not always how forgiveness works. I wish it were that simple. Saying “I’m sorry” is not just a phrase to recite when we know we did something that hurt and saying “It’s ok” or “I forgive you” doesn’t make the hurt ok, it doesn’t mean you agree, and it doesn’t mean to forget and “move on” like when we were kids.

Although well intended by the adults in our life, this teaching of saying sorry, saying it’s ok, and returning to ‘normal’ is missing some key elements that we sometimes have a more difficult time understanding as the circumstances of our lives change.

#1. The person apologizing needs an opportunity to reflect on the impact of their action. Whether it was an accident or not. Whether it was their intention or not. Whether they were aware of the outcome or not. Missing this reflection is missing an opportunity for consideration of another person and sitting with the feelings that arise out of knowing that harm was caused. Self-honesty and acceptance of the events as they occurred can help in navigating through them while considering the other ways they could have experienced.

It is important to notice when all or nothing thinking, avoidance, or excuses begin to creep in. Humility allows us to admit we had a part in causing harm.

Now,

the rush to apologize or the lack of apologizing at all is often born out of avoidance of some sort of discomfort. The discomfort in knowing we were responsible for someone else’s pain. Or perhaps avoidance of knowing we made a mistake. Or perhaps avoidance of needing to work through a complex issue that is going to take some time and effort. All valid reasons to avoid, but consider it an opportunity for bravery; having a fear and choosing to move forward anyway.

#2. The person who is in a position to forgive also needs an opportunity to reflect on how they feel as a result of the event. The expectation that forgiveness is granted if and when an apology is given implies that this is an automatic action: an apology = receiving forgiveness. This is both unfair and unrealistic. Forgiveness does not have to be given simply because someone apologized. You are allowed to remain in a space of processing until ready to hear out the other side…whenever that may be. The pressure to heal quickly after an event is also unfair. Acknowledgment and acceptance can take a long time depending on the degree of pain caused. Matters of the heart are not always captured in the “time heals all wounds” cliché. Oftentimes, we deny the permission for time to reflect and sit with the aftermath of the event, the feelings, and the pain for the sake of “moving on” or “getting over it”. Again, this is unfair and can suppress, bury, or tuck the feelings away. However, we know that unresolved feelings don’t really leave us. They show up in other ways in attempts to cope. Self honesty again is important here.

Giving permission to experience the hurt, acknowledge the damage, and accept the events can help in processing and making the next intentional action. Perhaps coming together to discuss it, come to common ground, and decide what the nature of the relationship looks like going forward. Is there a relationship going forward?

Now,

the actual act of forgiving…...hear me out…...does not need to include giving or receiving an apology

because

Forgiveness is not something that is only granted when the apology is given. The reality is, in many cases, the apology may never be given. This could be for many reasons. Maybe there is no contact with the person, maybe they refuse to listen to your side or maybe they just don’t get it. Fine.

The hard part in not receiving a sincere apology (see #1) or not having the opportunity to give a sincere apology (see #2) is that the opportunity for connection is lost. The opportunity for a dialogue to happen where the offended get to express their feelings and their perspective to the offender, and the offender gets to express their regret or remorse, to feel seenand heard and validated is lost. That’s what we are often times looking for in giving and receiving an apology. We don’t get the closure we feel we need. An in this, there is an element of grief; the possibility of what could have happened, what we could have felt is gone. You are allowed to grieve the validation you won’t receive.

Here’s another invitation:

Notice the ways the weight of the event continues to weigh on you, allowing it to impact thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as a result. Many times, other people in our lives pay the consequences of this, sometimes unintentionally (hello trust issues, trauma responses, and defense mechanisms).

It is possible to extend forgiveness to another and accept forgiveness for self without the other party involved. Whether you were the offender or the offended because the act of forgiving is not for the other person. Forgiveness is a liberatory act that puts the weight of the harm down and gives permission for its influence over your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to end. It says, “I have been impacted enough by this, I am choosing to take my power back.” Whether you can express your perspective to the person or not.

The ability to be seen and heard does not lie in the hands of the other person.

But the desire for it will hold you hostage until you get it.

Last point:

Forgiveness is a daily practice, not a one-off event. Building awareness of the thoughts and feelings that arise ask for your attention and your intention for the ways you chose to move through them mindfully. Is it a sentence that reminds you of your intention? Is it a helpful distraction away from it? Is it a release of the emotions that get triggered? All valid.

Give yourself permission to feel, and reclaim the energy it takes to hold onto the things that have caused pain. If you have the opportunity to make amends, do so with an open and humble heart. If you don’t, grant it to yourself so you may continue to live your life with peace.